popmuse

2008-01-09T17:54:00.000-08:00

Dog & Singing Hippo - Funny home videos are a click away

2005-11-07T23:23:00.004-08:00

the meeting today was good.
i woke up feeling quite terrible. i looked in the mirror and didn't like what i saw. i'm not talking about a great existential hate for myself, i'm talking about my face. my skin. the shape of my face and how it's gotten rounder, like a moon pie. i can't stand it. it's a cartoon face. was it always like this? is this why i get little to no respect from some people. is this one of the reasons i've led a subpar existence? i know that my acne problem has a lot to do woth my underachievment. it's still there. it makes me look ridiculous, like an awkward 14-year-old kid. i can't stand it. this is a deadly combination" my ever expanding, round rubber face and the acne. but. i'm taking steps to fight it.
i started running, eating better and working out today. when i do this, my face stops swelling and does it's best impression of a regular face. also, i researched the drug accutane and ffound a dermatologist in my area. i'm plannin on calling his office tommorow to schedule an appointment. hopefully, he finds that i'm suited for the drug and it starts to helo soon.
back in napa, i remember going to a general practicioner about some other problems and i mentioned my acne to him. he thought the next word out of my mouth were going to be "accutane," becase the drug is so popular. i'd didn't remember ever hearing about the drug. point being, it's a popular remedy that seems to work fir a lot of people. i hope it works for me. also, i hope it doesn't blind me or throw me into a dperession. those are jaut two of the possible side effects.
the meeting, right. well, i spoke up about how my department gets the short ed of the stick when it comes to, well, almost evrything distributed in the newsroom. the chief was sympathetic. we've discussed it before, and she promised to lobby on my behalf to the powers that be.
the fat man opined that i shouldn't be complaining. he said there was a good reason for the lack of resources in my department. basically, he read my call for help and understanding as a babie's whine, telling us that there are good resons for why money gets distributed the way it does and there's nothing personal involved inthose decisions.
is it my face? does the fat that i look like this make it easy for people to believe that i have no understanding of the corporate structure and how monetary decisions are made? i was offended.
also, chili pepper had to interject to tell me that "turnover" was a part of the business, dismissing my concern that my great writer would soon leave because i can't offer her a full-time wage. i looked at chili pepper and told him i understood turnover is high, especially in our paper, but it's a much more pressing concern when your employee is not taken care of. his employees are taken care of, but the quality of my product is always at risk because i cannot offer my reporter anything near a living wage, something his reporters have. asshole. again, he was also treating me like a kid, trying to explain the facts to me, facts i already know. these people cannot understand that i'm concerned with product and things they do not have to face. assholes. i'm not whining about how bad it is for me, i'm letting my boss know what i need to compensate my staff and put out a quality product. that's what our meeting was about.

2005-11-03T20:07:00.000-08:00

i felt like a drone today. the day was spiked with a few shots of inspiration though. I guess i'll start with those as not to be too morose right away.
my tedious labor the day before paid off with a nice product. i'm actually kind of proud of it. i can't stop staring. it catches your eye, and it isn't riddled with mistakes. i actually fought to make it reflect my vision, and guess what? my vision is better. it's good. i'm comfortable with it. i'm not gloating. there are still a few things that bug me about the product. things that are my fault, but i think i'll be able to fix them next time. and next time. and next time. also, my vision is pretty mediocre by mosts standards, but mediocrity works here. it's usually rewarded.
that's what pulls at me, keeps me up at night. i'm the boss here because i'm not the bottom rung. i'm just above it. i don't even want to imagine what kind of louse would exemplify the bottom rung. my guess is he wouldn't be able to see or think past his tennis shoes. i came cheap too. i'm in control because i'm mediocre and i came cheap and i have connections. i have to live with that. i didn't realize how much of a burden that would be when i took this gig. it fucks with my self worth.
but, i guess a lot of people get their gigs with the help of friends, contacts. and, what i'm doing here is a lot better than what the last few people did. sure, i came cheap, but eveybody in that place comes cheap. it's not the new york times or the guardian. the circulation is under 30,000 and the newsprint dirties your fingers. so, i guess these are the questions i have to answer: can i motivate myself to be more than mediocre in a place where mediocrity is seen a great? do i have the potential to be more than mediocre? can i move on and do what i'm doing somewhere else? somewhere where the most of the population isn't content with mediocrity?
geez.
this is the stuff that tugs at my brain and steals my confidence. i know i'm not close to being the best. that's why i'm here. but i think i can be good. that's also why i'm here. i'm trusted to do what's right and to put out out a good product. i can do whatever i want, because i'll do the right thing. i know that counts for something, but it's not the stuff of greatness. it's the stuff of okayness. but, i can do better. i can be exceptional. the product can be exceptional. i can do more. i can write better, design better, plan better and edit better. i can't just slide along. right now, i'm just holding on to medicrity. i need to surpass it.
i'm supposed to be writing about the good today, right? right.
well, i thought giving that college kid my spiel was going to be tough. the things i said, how personable i was, how i reminded myself of bill, i didn' tthink i had that in me. not today. not without preparation of course, but it was raw and good. i had a nice conversation with the kid and he seemed to be responding. it was nice to get a bit of affirmation from the outside. it's nice not to have to repress my insecurites. it's nocer to have them wiped out for you, if just for an hour or so. that good feeling sticks with you, just like the bad does ...

... my confidence, my self-worth gets stolen by people sometimes. people like fatty mcpipmples. she's an interesting character. she's smart, but she's an prudish, small minded elitist falsely parading as a personable, agreeable, fun person. she looks down, stereotypes and belittles me because she doesn't understand me. her perception is skewed because she can't see two feet in front of her. obviously it bothers me, but she's unhappy. and she'll die always being wrong, mistaking progression for extremism and small eccentricities for evil. i don't think i do anything like that - to anyone. i can find solice in that.